What the hell do my federal tax dollars actually pay for?
Adam Belachou, Portland, ME
Out of an estimated federal tax take of $938.7 billion, the biggest chunk—$337.9 billion—funds Social Security, Medicaire, and other retirement benefits. That’s right, most of your taxes help our grayheaded friends buy giant sunglasses, the Clapper, and prune juice. After that $215.9 billion pumps up our national defense, $178.3 billion pays for assorted social programs, $112.6 billion covers student loans, $75.1 billion pays the interest on our $9.4 trillion federal debt, and $18.8 billion funds federal law enforcement agencies. Happy now?
How do I know if I’m a psychopath?
Orges Lupa, Yakima, WA
We often wonder the same thing when we’re tying stray cats to the tracks of our model train set! The short answer is that you’re probably not a maniac if you feel remorse or empathy. Mental health experts say psychopaths are typically created by a combination of tragic factors, like an already fragile brain coupled with an abusive home life. While some crafty cuckoos can mimic the expected emotional responses of a sane person, an examiner using the Hare PCL-R test (you’ve heard of it, right?) usually roots them out. So, Orges, don’t agree to one of these exams unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a rubber room.
What’s the oldest living thing?
Rob Scussel, Baltimore, MD
Many experts say it’s some 600,000-year-old bacteria encased in Siberian permafrost. “But because bacteria go into a slow-motion dormancy when chilled,” says Dr. Tyler Volk, director of environmental science at New York University, “there’s controversy over whether or not that qualifies as living.” Volk believes the most deserving of the AARP’s ultimate Gold Card is either the Methuselah tree—a bristlecone pine hidden somewhere in California—or a massive 30-acre colony of Armillaria bulbosa, a common mold, near Crystal Falls, Michigan. What’s with the tie? Scientists know the Methuselah has been around for 5,000 years, but can only guess a range of 1,500 to 10,000 years for the fungus. (Meanwhile, we’ve had a quart of Kung Pao chicken brewing in the office fridge for a good 10 years. Where’s our Ph.D.?)
Why does so much music sound like total crap now?
Kevin Figeroa, New Orleans, LA
You obviously haven’t heard the latest Rush album. But you may have a point. While MP3s make burning CDs a snap, they sap the sound quality of the tunes that are transferred to your iPod. “The process of turning a song from your CD into an MP3 removes roughly 90 percent of the data that makes up the song,” declares Vinnie Olivieri from the University of California,
Irvine’s sound design department. That remaining 10 percent is compressed, flattening out the noise—making the louds softer and the softs louder. Which is merely a polite way to say today’s tunes often sound “like total crap.” Luckily, Kevin, you’re probably too young to have ever owned a vinyl album, so your ignorant ass doesn’t know any better. Who are we kidding? You’ve never even bought a CD.