By Ed Helms

Back in 2004 I attended both the Republican and Democratic political conventions as an award-overlooked reporter for The Daily Show With Jon Stewart. I learned a lot about survival in the political trenches, and now, with both conventions looming, it is my privilege to share this knowledge with you. The first and most important tip: Bring along a cyanide capsule with which to take your own life. It will come in handy as you invariably spiral into a vortex of anger and disillusionment with the American political process brought on by the dawning realization that nobody at either convention has anything of any value to say about anything.

However, given the soaring price of cyanide capsules, here are a few more practical tips for the average conventioneer:

First let’s look at the Republican convention. One thousand dollars for a new Brooks Brothers suit and $19,000 for handmade cowboy boots from Amarillo, Texas should help you fit right in. One mistake I made in ’04 was showing up dressed exactly like the little guy from Monopoly with a bushy white mustache, a tuxedo, and a top hat. Whereas this is obviously how all Republicans dress in private, it is considered immodest when trying to woo the commoner vote on TV. To learn the finer points for Republican messaging, I suggest a six-month internship at Fox News Channel, drawing chocolate baths for Bill O’Reilly. Once on the convention floor, you will find most folks are friendly as long as you inject nuggets of Republican ideology, for example: "I just spoke to the Wisconsin delegates, and they were so delightful, unlike abortions." Remember, if someone asks you a question and you don’t know the answer, it’s probably either "more prisons" or "privatize" or "privatize more prisons."

Democrats are a very different breed, and you will need to make adjustments accordingly. For starters, try to arrive in a solar-powered car or a recumbent bicycle made of bamboo. Wear a hemp suit with tie-dyed boxers, a Jerry Garcia tie, and Birkenstocks. Also make sure you bring some lube so you’re prepared for the giant opening-night love-in on the convention floor. In ’04 I brought a custom dildo featuring the head of Karl Marx, and it was quite a hit. Democrats are a delightfully passive bunch, so don’t worry about taking any strong positions. Just nod and say, "That’s a great point, but we should probably hold back and look into it further." This will make you enormously popular. In a pinch, declare that you are gay and begin quoting NPR. Also—and I learned this the hard way—do not solicit Democrats to invest in your beluga whale jerky company, no matter how passionate you are about beluga whale jerky. Apparently the whales are endangered, and Democrats "care" about that sort of thing. But I still say beluga jerky is the best jerky out there.