If we fix all these problems, the world will be one big joy orgasm.
Photo: Eric Leibowitz / FX | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Comedy god Louis C.K. is as honest as he is funny. From his stand-up to his amazing FX show Louie (the second season is now out on Blu-ray and DVD!) to his Twitter feed, you can tell he has a few problems with the world. Here are 100 things that Louis C.K. just doesn’t like. Though, we could have easily made this a thousand things if the Internet weren’t so small and stupid.
1. People who aren’t mesmerized by flying in a plane
2. People who hate their mobile phones
3. People who exaggerate about stepping in dog shit
4. His car “My life is really evil. There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti. That’s really evil. There are people who would just starve to death. That’s all they ever did. There’s people who are like born, and they go, “Oh, I’m hungry,” and then they just die. And that’s all they ever got to do. And meanwhile, I’m in my car, having a great time and I sleep like a baby.”
5. A bag of dicks
6. Following people on Twitter
7. A turtle’s lack of enthusiasm “An excited turtle looks exactly the same as a dead turtle.”
8. People who are afraid to laugh “I can have two thoughts simultaneously. 1. Gay people have a right to grow up and live in confidence happiness, honesty and equality.2.Tracey Morgan is ridiculous and I love watching him just go to wrongful and crazy places in his mind and I can laugh.”
9. Babies “What did the four babies have for lunch? I dunno. Just look on their fucking shirts. Goddamn messy asshole 4 babies.”
10. Dumb dogs that don’t know when they need medical attention
11. Homeless people who don’t murder and steal to survive “Start murdering and eating well! Why wouldn’t you do that?”
12. Homeless people who have nice hair “I would trade lives with him. I get the hair, he can have everything I have.”
13. People saying the N-word
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF1NUposXVQ
14. People
15. The mind of girls
16. Creationists
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tapt3XHJO8E
17. Kids who ask “why?”
18. Putting links in Twitter “Fucking dick on a pile of things, I fucked up the link again.”
19. Mortality “Most people are dead. Did you know that? It’s true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.”
20. His mom
21. Donald Rumsfeld:During an interview on The Opie and Anthony Show, Louis once asked Rumsfeld, “Are you a lizard person? Do you eat the poor?”
22. Old dogs ”Everything that makes you happy is going to end at some point, and nothing good ends well. It’s like, if you buy a puppy, you’re bringing it home to your family’s saying, hey, look, everyone, we’re all gonna cry soon. Look at what I brought home. I brought home us crying in a few years. Here we go. Countdown to sorrow with a puppy.”
23. Elderly aunts
24. Ducklings
25. Grammar Nazis “I wasn’t trying to write ‘measured’ you assholes. I was trying to write “meaured” which is a Hungarian word. It means ‘Duh!’”
26. Rotary Phones
27. People who recently traveled by plane
28. Deer “I would happily blow twenty guys in an alley with bleedy dicks so I could get AIDS and fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS.”
29. People in the coffee shop
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJ51BNYXbV4
30. Getting old
31. His own kids
32. The woman who complained that he texted while spending time with his kid
33. Young women
34. An Alaskan Politician“I’m not going to say anything about Sarah Palin this time. Because really it’s not that interesting that both of her tits are disgusting”
35. He seriously does not like her “When I suggested squirting diahhrea into Sarah Palin’s mouth, I added 20k followers.”
36. Social media
37. People who use their phones to capture awe-inspiring events
38. Being fair and balanced “If every word a person says has to be right and balanced and fair, I will jump off a tall thing onto a hard place.”
39. Drinking and then being tired
40. Smoking pot with fans “Sometimes young people will come up to me after and show and ask to smoke pot, and I just want to say, ‘Can I have my portion to take home with me and smoke it alone? Because I don’t want to spend one second with you.’”
41. Marriage
42. Banks
43. Eating “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”
44. People who are bored “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.”
45. Complaining about gay marriage “Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, ‘How am I supposed to explain to my child that two men are getting married?’ I don’t know. It’s your shitty kid. You fuckin’ tell him. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love and can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for five minutes.”
46. Americans “People in other countries have real problems. Like, ‘Oh shit! They’re cutting off all our heads today.’ Here we make up problems, like ‘Why do I have to choose a language on the ATM machine?’”
47. White People Statistics “You could take a white guy to Africa and he’d say, ‘Look at all the minorities around here. I’m the only majority.’”
48. Women “There’s a reason it’s called Girls Gone Wild and not Women Gone Wild. When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.”
49. Mornings “Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I’m like, and I just go, ‘Ugh’.”
50. Getting stoned as a 40 year-old
51. Men’s Minds “If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. That’s how our brains work. ‘She’s an angel… and I want her to drown in my cum.’”
52. Taking his kids to the bathroom “So I gotta take them into the men’s room, that’s what I have to do, is take them into the John F. Kennedy Airport men’s room. Look here, girls! Nine penises! Nine penises that are all peeing at the same time. Nine farting men from all over the world, with their dicks out, shaking off droplets of pee from their syphilitic penises. Look, three of them have foreskins. You can see the difference now.
53. Sex ed “They taught us sex in school, and all they did was scare the shit out of me because they show you these diagrams of a penis, just this huge penis and it’s cut in half lengthwise. Like, yeah, that’s what your dick would look like if I ripped off half of it and threw it in the garbage.”
54. The PTA
55. Parenting roles “A waitress said to my kids the other day, ‘Isn’t that nice that you’re getting to have a little lunch with your daddy?’ And I was insulted by it, because I’m like, I’m fucking taking them to lunch, and then I’m taking them home, and then I’m feeding them and doing their homework with them and putting them to bed. She’s like, ‘Oh, this is special time with daddy.’ Well, no, this is boring time with daddy, the same as everything.” From Slate.
56. The economy “When I read things like ‘the foundations of capitalism are shattering,’ I’m like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we’re walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. Because everything is amazing right now and nobody’s happy…”
57. Travel
58. Lines
59. Conventional Hollywood (Louis writes, directs and edits his own show, and released his album and special via his own Website.)
60. His past movie work (probably) Louis wrote and directed Pootie Tang in 2001.
61. Colorful shirts Unless you go back to his appearance in the 1990s.
62. Eve (The rapper)
63. Doctors
64. Women radio hosts
65. Married people who aren’t parents
66. Itchy assholes
67. Guys who have confidence
68. Nymphomaniacs
69. Showering with others after gym class
70. Being polite and abstaining from using swear words
71. Other people’s children
72. Other parents
71. Bill Gates’ fortune
72. This generation
73. Single people
74. People who feel entitled
75. The woman in heels on the airplane who didn’t carry her own luggage
76. Leaving his house“I’m always in a 48 hour window of diarrhea. I can’t leave my house.”
77. Cruise ship comics “I just think they’re crap. It’s like being born racist. You just believe it. It’s just a thing in you.”
78. Saying goodbye at airports
79. You (Probably)
80. Most things
81. People who are offended by terrorism jokes
82. Society
83. Religion
84. Jerks
85. His own life
86. Kansas City
87. Fitness
88. This list (We assume. And we’re sorry.)
89. Weather
90. Animals
91. His past
92. His future
93. Money
94. Hecklers
95. The shame of buying Cinnabon at the airport
96. The actress who plays his daughter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXRViQ7rRk8
97. Girls who aren’t nervous to be on a date with him
98. Mickey Mouse
99. Dane Cook
100. Everything else
Season 2 of Louie is available now on Blu-ray and DVD!