4 Lethally Strong Cocktails For World Kidney Day
Wait…that’s not the point of World Kidney Day? Oh well…
It’s World Kidney Day today, and the idea is to raise awareness for kidney health – so what could make you more conscious about the health of your kidneys than an epic, unbearable hangover? If there’s one guaranteed way to reach oblivion, it’s strong mixed drinks, but if you want a change of pace from the usual stuff like the Long Island Ice Tea, here are four more unusual cocktails that’ll knock you halfway into next week.
The Aunt Roberta
Allegedly named after a prostitute who made her own so-strong-it-actually-killed-people moonshine, the Aunt Roberta is less a cocktail than a cry for help. A brain-destroying mixture of absinthe, vodka, gin, and brandy, it will strip the enamel off your teeth, and several years off your life.
Drink When…
You need to forget something immediately and/or go blind.
How To Make It:
2 oz. Absinthe
3 oz. Vodka
½ oz. Gin
1 oz. Brandy
1 oz. Blackberry Liqueur
Mix everything together with ice, pour into a glass, then close your eyes, pray, and drink.
Regret Level If You Drink It:
9/10
The Crippler
A specialty of NYC’s Tippler bar, this is another cocktail that forgoes the usual mixology niceties of mixers or sanity. Named in honor of the nickname given to the original boozy Tippler bar in Aspen, it’s not for the faint of heart, or empty of stomach.
Drink When…
Waiting five whole extra minutes to be blackout drunk is just not an option.
How To Make It:
1 oz. Stroh Jagertee Liqueur
¾ oz. Rye Whiskey
¾ oz. Rhum Agricole
½ oz. Mezcal
1 tsp Yellow Chartreuse
1 dash Bitters
Mix all the ingredients together, say goodbye to your loved ones, and chug.
Regret Level If You Drink It:
8/10
Adios Motherfucker
There are many variations of this “just get me hammered now, damn it” cocktail, but most versions involve a heinous collection of clear spirits mixed with Sweet & Sour Mix, just to ensure that cotton-mouth, nail-in-skull sugar hangover.
Drink When…
You are at the worst party anyone has ever thrown and you already missed the last bus home.
How To Make It:
½ oz. Vodka
½ oz. Light Rum
½ oz. Gin
½ oz. Triple Sec
3 dashes Blue Curacao
Sweet & Sour Mix
Mix it all together except the Curacao, pour into a glass, then float the Curacao on top. Drink through a straw inserted into your nose while standing on your head as people you don’t know laugh at your impending death.
Regret Level If You Drink It:
7/10
The Zombie
Invented at the Don The Beachcomber restaurant some time in the 30s, it got its name after its first victim claimed that he felt like a zombie for several days after drinking it. Deceptively girly and fruity-looking, it’s actually a four-rum mind-mangler that will, by all accounts, get you drunk from the feet up.
Drink When…
The apocalypse has arrived, and you want to pickle your brain before it gets eaten.
How To Make It:
1 oz. White Rum
1 oz. Golden Rum
1 oz. Dark Rum
1 oz. Apricot Brandy
2 dashes Bacardi 151
1 dash Grenadine
1 oz. Orange Juice
1 oz. Pineapple Juice
¼ oz. Lime Juice
Mix everything together with ice except the 151. Pour in glass, splash the 151 on top, then retire to a fortified compound in the woods to enjoy.
Regret Level If You Drink It:
10/10
Check out 7 Reasons Why Beer Is Good For You or 5 Apps for Sexy-Time.
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