What should you see this weekend – The Last Stand, Broken City or Mama? Our movie-rating dogs help decide!
The Last Stand
Out Jan 18, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of Lionsgate
Holly’s take:
“If you need to know more than the fact that Arnold Schkwarza… Arnold Shcwaztun… Arnold Schwarzzemen… Goddamn it, I still can’t spell his name, after all these years. Anyway, fucking Arnie is back and doing an action movie again, and that’s really all you need to know. Sure, there’s a plot or something like one, with Arnie as a small-town sheriff trying to stop a drug cartel from busting through his town on the way to the border, but all I care about is seeing Conan the Republican firing a Goddamn mini-gun again. I’m so excited for this that I almost rolled in someone else’s pee this morning. Talk about a faux pas!”
Dexter’s take:
“I have a fondness for Arnold Schwarzenegger as a leading man that I don’t think is entirely nostalgia – the guy just has screen presence. Throw in the fact that this film was directed by Kim Jee-Woon (the man who gave us the excellent The Good, The Bad And The Weird) and my fresh-sniffed butt is guaranteed in the seat.”
Billie’s take:
“I LOVE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! ALTHOUGH THAT’S MOSTLY BECAUSE ‘SCHWARZENEGGER’ IS THE EXACT NOISE I MAKE WHEN I SNEEZE AND POOP AT THE SAME TIME.”
Broken City
Out Jan 18, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Holly’s take:
“This is going to sound unprofessional as all hell, but any movie that comes out the same week as a new Arnie movie may as well not even exist, as far as I’m concerned. This film looks ok, but you’re not going to spend money on a plain old tennis ball when there’s a huge rubber pork chop that makes squeaky noises right next to it, are you?”
Dexter’s take:
“My main reaction when watching the trailer was, ‘Wait – Catherine Zeta-Jones won an academy award? Really?’ But that aside, this looks like a so-so pot boiler, with Mark Wahlberg’s everyman cop pitted against the machinations of Russell Crowe’s corrupt mayor. I dig Marky Mark in either supporting roles (Three Kings, The Departed) or roles where he plays a lost innocent (Boogie Nights), but I still don’t buy him as a serious leading man – he always looks too confused. Whatever, go see this if you want a thriller with a little meat on its bones. Mmm. Bones.”
Billie’s take:
“THE OLDER MAN APPEARED TO BE WEARING SOME KIND OF SMALL, LIMP ANIMAL ON HIS HEAD. IT FREAKED ME OUT.”
Mama
Out Jan 18, Rated PG-13
Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures
Holly’s take:
“A horror movie that’s also not an Arnie film? You are wasting my time, fucko.”
Dexter’s take:
“This film follows two little girls who disappeared in the woods after their parents were killed, who then get found several years later and move in with a foster family, only to be haunted by what appears to be their dead mother. The PG-13 rating pretty much guarantees that there won’t be much in the way of blood and guts, but with Guillermo del Toro’s name attached (albeit as a ‘presented by’, rather than directing), it’s sure to have a few spooky scares to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. And the ones on the back of the ears, knees, elbows, ankles, forepaws, butthole and lower back, in my case.”
Billie’s take:
“THIS MOVIE MADE ME MISS MY OWN MAMA. I WAS TRYING TO SHOOT HER WITH A BOW AND ARROW AT THE TIME AND A SCARY PART MADE ME LOSE MY AIM!”
Movie Time: Ghosts vs. Chainsaws vs. Gangsters
Girls Who Are Surprised To See You
