Celebrity Beach Bowl 2013 Recap

Ever wanted to see TO get genuinely angry at a TV starlet? We have a game for you.


DirecTV gathered the most (and hilariously least) athletic celebrities to face off in the most important football game this weekend. Well, at least out of the ones played on sand.


Michael Strahan’s blue team took on Deion “About Eight Hours Short of Prime Time” Sanders’ white team.


The Manning brothers and Bourbon Street baron Archie Manning tossed the coin and the battle of “Prime Time vs. Day Time” was off.


Neon Deion’s squad took the ball first, with Jesse Palmer under center. The captain threatened to break one but was stopped cold by Katherine McPhee. Can I interest you in another sentence that makes no sense? Palmer connected with Terrell Owens on the next play for the first touchdown of the game.


Warren Moon took QB duties for Strahan’s blue team, which also featured the surprisingly agile Snoop Lion. Deion played on both sides of the ball, just like the old days. That is, if the old days were spent on a beach playing against bikini models. He couldn’t close on Hannah Davis fast enough though, as she snuck into the end zone on a controversial touchdown called after a replay, which consisted of Mike Pereira gazing up at the Jumbotron.


Jesse Palmer quickly found T.O. for another score, certainly assuring the receiver a multi-million dollar NFL contract next season. Scouts watch the Beach Bowl, right?


Warren Moon was not to be outdone, finding Grey’s Anatomy’s Jesse Williams for the tie. Offence was definitely not an issue in the Beach Bowl.


On the ensuing possession, Warren Moon found Maria Menounos up the middle. She was eventually tackled by Michael Strahan, who might have strayed into the “illegal contact” zone for the second time in the afternoon. The refs didn’t throw a flag, and honestly, we wouldn’t either. On the next play, Deion was shut down by Neil Patrick Harris. Seriously, what can’t that guy do?


The third quarter belonged to the Deion’s white team; pulling away 28-42 on a tightrope TD by track star Lolo Jones.


As well as a Prime Time TD on the next offensive play, which Lil’ Wayne very much enjoyed.


Warren Moon took control of the game in the fourth, leading his team back after a vintage Michael Strahan pick and two TDs, one to Snoop Lion and the other to some handsome guy from True Blood. After scoring a touchdown to even it up, Strahan’s blue team went for the throat and elected for a two-point conversion attempt. Hey, this is no day at the beach. Well, it is, but it’s like a serious one. Jesse Williams caught the pass from Moon to put the blue squad up 43-42. Jesse Palmer chucked a bomb as time expired to try to steal the game back, but free safety Snoop Lion batted down the pass.


And thus, Strahan brought home victory for the blue team.


The shameful losers. But really cool-looking shame.


Snoop Lion took home special honors for making huge plays, running in a completely hilarious way, and busting out a touchdown dance that featured him drinking the football and then pouring some out for the homies.


Artie Lange had his own accomplishments: “My highlight was just getting in the game for a couple plays. Like Ray Lewis, it was my last year in the league. I got a ring – I was the sentimental favorite.”


Pitbull came out and crushed that one song from the beer commercial, the Saints cheerleaders did exactly what they do, and then the entire city of New Orleans went back to getting astoundingly drunk.


We’ll see you next year on the beach in New Jersey, which will hopefully be devoid of toxic waste/mafia-related corpses.

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