Comedian Dylan Moran’s Guide To What Not To Say In The Office

Unless your office is in an awesome movie, of course.

Nick Leftley

Oct 9, 2013

We’ve been huge fans of Irish comic Dylan Moran for a while, and it seems we’re not alone, as ABC has just inked a major deal with the hilarious stand-up to create a pilot for them. There’s no word yet on what the show will be about, although we can definitely rely on him to produce something equal parts brilliant, ridiculous, and hysterical. With this news and the fact that the second leg of his “Yeah, Yeah” tour kicks off in L.A. on October 14th, we got to wondering how people who travel the world being funny for a living would function in a real job. He sent us this in response. Short version: He would be a) the best colleague ever; and b) fired by lunchtime.

Some Things I’d Absolutely Say If I Ever Got A Real Job In An Office, Given That Everything I’ve Learned About Actual Jobs Comes From Movies And TV.

By Dylan Moran

1) [Opens door and sticks head into internal office]

Hey, uh…Walter…could I, could I…uh…borrow you, for…a minute?

Have you told Brisket about the files?

[Looks at the floor, abruptly looks back up]

No? You sure? Ok.

[Looks left, looks right]

What about Oberman?

I think he…knows something…Is there a way we can hurt him where he lives?

Oberman, yeah, the guy from the mailroom.

Can we pin something on him, or kill his dog?

…because I don’t like the way he whistles, that’s why.

Walter…listen to me, this isn’t going to go away.

Get on board or get out of the pot.

You know exactly what I mean.

You call me over the weekend with an answer.

Don’t use a landline. Or a phone.

2) [Later, talking to someone else]

Listen, Jeff…what?

I don’t care what your name is, I’m calling you Jeff, Jeff. This…SNAFU you’ve got going on with Thompson…you gotta stall him until Wednesday.

Of course you know Thompson.

I know you know Thompson.

Don’t play dumb WITH ME.

You think I just fell out of the tree? Hmm?

I just crawled out from…under a boat…you know what I mean. Those, those kinds of phrases…

I saw you talking to him in the canteen, lunchtime.

Big guy in a dress, the wig and everything, ladling out mashed potatoes –

Hmm?

Harmless waitress? Yeah, right, and I’m your sister’s proctologist. Please…don’t try to patronize me, I was selling stolen dentures from a dumpster while you were still whittling cauliflower or

whatever…ANYWAY, Thompson, he’s the problem.

Look, I don’t care if his OR her name is Laverne Bupkiss…I’m calling them Thompson, Goddamnit. You were talking about what?

You better tell me right now, because this goes all the way upstairs…and downstairs and into the bathrooms and everything. So, spill.

You were talking about the…the…carrots…the peas?

Are you serious?

Christ, Jesus, Jeff, I thought you were a player, somebody I could count on, not some peas-and-carrots schmuck… Just…get out.

Get out of my office.

This is your office?

Well, I’m leaving. For now. But be warned – I’m onto you.

You and Thompson both, you’re going down.

You want my name?

I’ll tell you, Jeff, because I like you – it’s Trouble.

That’s my name. Starts with a ‘T’. Look it up.

Picture by Dylan Moran

3) [Pressing the buzzer thing on the desk that people probably don’t even have anymore]

Cindy? Could I please get a coffee in here, and a Danish, or something, like in black and white films?

Because I have a 4 o’clock and…I’m corrupt, owe a lot of money, probably having some sort of doomed affair. No milk. Thanks.

Guys will come to kill me soon. You should go home.

I always had feelings for you, and that’s why I’ve actually sent money secretly to your account for years, because I know your pittance of a wage goes on hopeless attempts to cure your son’s lisp.

Your name is Susan? I’m sorry. You always looked like a Cindy to me…what do I know. Hmm? Yeah, a donut is fine, just something for the blood to spatter on…and Cindy? Hold my calls.

Thanks, doll.