Dog Movie Previews: “Elysium,” “We’re The Millers,” and “Planes”

Elysium

Out August 9, Rated R

Photo Courtesy of TriStar Pictures

Holly’s take:

“Holy smoking crap on a Fudgsicle, this looks awesome. Someone gave Neill Blomkamp – the director of the fantastic District 9 – a bigger budget, and it looks like he’s gone to town with it. Or more accurately, to space. This sees Matt Damon as a member of the downtrodden underclass left on Earth, while the rich and powerful live in a paradisiacal space station – Elysium – above their heads, leading, inevitably (especially for those familiar with Blomkamp’s work) to a literal class war. I’m predicting a shit-ton of action, believable special effects, and several people turning up at Comic Con next year wearing Matt-Damon-In-Budget-Mech-Suit costumes. I can’t wait.”

Dexter’s take:

“I’m with Holly all the way on this one – Blomkamp’s last movie absolutely blew me away, so I’m very excited for this. The cast looks solid – Jodie Foster is pretty much always excellent, and Matt Damon seems to be in good wiseass mode as protagonist Max – and I’m especially happy to see Sharlto Copley (District 9’s reluctant hero, Wikus) turn up here as an unstoppable, armor-plated bad guy. If there ends up being some kind of crossover with District 9 – even just a brief shot of the Prawns in the background – I will literally pee on the floor. Consider that a warning to anyone sitting in front of me to not spill their popcorn.”

Billie’s take:

“YES, YES, IT HAS ROBOTS, SPACE BATTLES, A-LIST ACTORS, AN INTRIGUING PLOT, AND AWESOME SPECIAL EFFECTS. BUT DOES IT HAVE A CATCHY, HUMMABLE THEME SONG? BECAUSE IF NOT, IT CAN JUST SHIT OFF.”

We’re The Millers

Out August 7, Rated R

Photo Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

Holly’s take:

“We saw this one recently, and holy fuck, is it funny – certainly a hell of a lot funnier than I was expecting. The story revolves around the ever-likeable (or is that lickable?) Jason Sudeikis, a low-level pot dealer who gets into trouble with Ed Helms’ killer whale-owning drug kingpin, and agrees to smuggle a pile of weed across the Mexican border to settle things between them. To do this, he recruits a fake family – stripper Jennifer Aniston as his wife, nerdy neighbor Will Poulter as his son, and gutter-punk Emma Roberts as his daughter. As you’d imagine, things get ridiculous, and it winds up a sort of cross between National Lampoon’s Vacation, Pineapple Express, and There’s Something About Mary. Talking of the latter, there’s a post-tarantula bite crotch shot that rivals even Ben Stiller’s infamous zipper accident. It made me very, very glad to not have balls…something that Dexter can actually relate to, funnily enough.”

Dexter’s take:

“Hey! I don’t have balls, but I do have feelings, you bitch. Anyway, Holly’s right, this is very, very funny. Highlights include a Jennifer Aniston striptease (short version – she’s still got it, and how), and Nick “Ron Swanson” Offerman showing up as a wannabe swinger. Now excuse me, I have to go rub Holly’s nose in something.”

Billie’s take:

“I DON’T GET THE BIG DEAL WITH HUMANS AND THEIR DISGUISES. ALL I HAVE TO DO TO STOP OTHER DOGS FROM RECOGNIZING ME IS SPRAY COLOGNE UP MY ASSHOLE.”

Planes

Out August 9, Rated PG

Photo Courtesy of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Holly’s take:

“Looks like Disney’s still out to do as much as possible to ruin Pixar’s formerly blemish-free reputation. This shameless cash-in is a spin-off from Pixar’s weakest franchise, Cars, and while they have at least taken the Pixar name off this movie, it’s still not going to do that company any favors. Kids will probably enjoy all the talking planes and stuff, but even the trailer seemed weak and lazy, so Christ knows what sitting through the whole movie’s going to feel like for a grownup.”

Dexter’s take:

“I’m, uh…I’m mostly just fascinated that someone decided to use White Zombie’s More Human Than Human for the trailer. Can someone please let me know if they used the whole thing in the movie, complete with the 30-second intro that’s just some woman having an orgasm?”

Billie’s take:

“I FUCKING HATE FLYING! IT’S NOT THE FEAR OF SMASHING INTO THE GROUND IN A HEAP OF FLAMING, TWISTED METAL, SO MUCH AS THE PART WHERE THEY MAKE ME TURN MY PHONE OFF EVERY TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO UNLOCK A FUCKING IPHONE WHEN YOU HAVE PAWS?”

Want more movie news? Check out these interviews with Children’s Hospital’s Lake Bell orAnchorman 2’s David Koechner.