Dog Movie Previews: “Metallica Through The Never,” “Don Jon” & “As I Lay Dying”

What do Maxim’s movie-watching dogs predict for this weekend’s big releases? Let’s ask them.

Nick Leftley

Sep 30, 2013

Metallica Through The Never

Out September 27, Rated R

Photo Courtesy of Picturehouse Entertainment

Holly’s take:

“Two words: Fuck and yes. This is a 3D Metallica concert movie, directed by Nimród Antal (the dude who made the forgettable but visually fun Predators), and by all accounts, it really is some kind of monster. If you’re a fan of Metallica, there is no way you won’t enjoy this – it looks like immersive spectacle of the best kind. There’s an odd subplot about a roadie who goes on a mission in a deserted city, wordlessly battling its psychotic inhabitants, although, weirdly, this is said to be the least compelling part of the movie. Whatever – an R-rated Metallica concert movie interspersed with random violence…do you ever get that feeling that someone’s made a movie just for you?”

Dexter’s take:

“The best part of watching this movie is going to be knowing that somewhere out there, Dave Mustaine is crying his little eyes out. I kid, I kid! But he totally is.”

Billie’s take:

“I ALWAYS FEEL LEFT OUT AT HEAVY METAL CONCERTS – DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO DO THE DEVIL HORNS WHEN YOU HAVE PAWS?”

Don Jon

Out September 27, Rated R

Photo Courtesy of Relativity Media

Holly’s take:

“This one’s about a muscle-bound, gel-haired Jersey guy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who’s torn between his desire to be with what seems to be his perfect woman (Scarlett Johansson) and his addiction to watching porn. The two leads have their Jersey Shore imitations down pat, and it looks like a heartfelt, funny flick with a great supporting cast (Tony Danza as Gordon-Levitt’s dad!), so I’m expecting this to be thoroughly enjoyable. I’m also expecting an Axel Braun parody by the end of the year.”

Dexter’s take:

“I’ve been a fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt ever since I saw 2005’s awesome Brick, and since this is his directorial debut, I’m interested to see if he can pull it off. Equally, I’m interested to see if his character in the movie can learn to stop pulling it off. Zing!”

Billie’s take:

“I’VE SEEN HUMAN PORN ONCE OR TWICE, AND I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND IT – THE MAN KEPT TRYING TO IMPREGNATE HIS MATE BY EJACULATING ONTO HER NIPPLES, AND EVEN I KNOW THAT’S NOT GOING TO WORK. YOU’D THINK BASIC SEX ED WOULD BE A REQUIREMENT IN THAT LINE OF WORK.”

As I Lay Dying

Out September 27, Not Rated

Photo Courtesy of Millennium Entertainment

Holly’s take:

“Considering the hangover I have today, this is the most appropriate movie title of all time. They had to put this cone on me just so I wouldn’t gnaw my own brains out…”

Dexter’s take:

“In this week’s other movie directed by a youthful actor that pretty much everyone likes, we’ve got a relatively faithful adaptation of William Faulkner’s complex novel As I Lay Dying. It’s not exactly the most obvious contender for a movie adaptation, but star/director/co-scripter James Franco clearly knows his stuff – if his Ph.D. in English from Yale is anything to go by, at least – and he’s pulled a very intriguing cast together, including the always-great Tim Blake Nelson and, perhaps more surprisingly, Danny McBride. This won’t be the most fun film you see this week, but it might well be the most interesting.”

Billie’s take:

“I HOPE THAT THIS MOVIE ADEQUATELY TRANSLATES FAULKNER’S PIONEERING USE OF STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS INTO A SUITABLE VISUAL INTERPRETATION THAT BEFITS THE NOVEL’S LITERARY LEGACY. UH, I MEAN, DOG STUFF! POOP! FARTS! LEG-HUMPING! SORRY, I ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO TIME OCCASIONALLY AND I FORGOT WHAT DAY IT WAS.”