Get Brain Freeze With The 6 Manliest Ice Creams

The summer’s over, and people are already talking about hot chocolate and warm pie and other such fripperies. We say: Fuck that. We’re not done eating ice cream, and if the weather has a problem with that, it can suck it. But who wants to eat Cherry Garcia when that icy wind’s howling down the street? We are men, and we demand our frozen treats with a sprinkling of heroism! So, how does the chisel-jawed, bear-punching manly-man find a way to indulge his sweet tooth without looking like an overgrown toddler? Behold the manliest flavors of ice cream there ever were!

Beer Ice Cream

Photo Courtesy of Frozen Pints

It’s a standard equation imprinted onto the psyche of all men from birth: “Beer + Cold= Excellence.” So surely a beer flavored ice cream is the holy grail for those seeking maximum refreshment? The guys at Frozen Pints certainly think so. With craft beer flavors like Honey IPA, Brown Ale Chip, and Malted Milk Chocolate Stout, you’d be forgiven for throwing away your customized stein-mug and replacing it with a bowl and spoon. But not so fast there, buddy! Each ice cream serving is made with only a little actual beer, and you’d have to eat a ludicrous amount to get a buzz on. Challenge accepted!

Whiskey Ice Cream

Photo Courtesy of Facebook.com/Purple Door Ice Cream

Why not chase that beer taste down with a shot of whiskey-flavored ice cream? The folks at KK whiskey teamed up with Purple Door Ice cream in what we can only assume was some kind of fortuitous supply-truck collision, with results that are as mouth watering as they are intriguing. It’s the kind of ice cream you can imagine Don Draper eating as he walks along the beach with a woman who probably isn’t his wife. Classy!  

Bacon Ice Cream

Photo Courtesy of Facebook.com/Dairyaus

With the Internet’s growing fascination with bacon and heart disease, it seems it was only a matter of time until somebody combined the salty goodness of cured pig meat with the smooth refreshment of ice cream. These days it feels like a meal is not worthy of a man unless a pig has died for his satisfaction, so this delicious dessert/breakfast treat from Dairyhäus in Rockton, IL, is a great way to incorporate even more bacon into your diet. Try it with bacon sprinkles for added meat-sweats!

Spinach Ice Cream

There are two things everybody know about spinach; the first is that it can apparently give a goofy sailor the strength to punch battleships out of the water, and the second is that it most certainly isn’t a dessert food. Well, abandon everything you thought you knew with spinach flavored ice cream! Because there are apparently no limits to the morbid curiosity of the human stomach, you can…enjoy (?) this healthy (?) ice cream snack that contains all the fun of ice cream with all the…green-ness…of spinach. And then the joy of punching a battleship out of the water, obviously.

Fire-Flavored Ice Cream

Photo Courtesy of Cold Sweat Ice Cream

In his endless quest to lord his masculinity over lesser beings, a manly man will frequently order the spiciest meal on the menu, so that his gritty stoicism can shine through his beaming, sweat-drenched face. But why stop at a spicy dinner when you can pour distilled napalm into your mouth for dessert? Sunny Sky’s “Cold Sweat” ice cream is made with three kinds of peppers and two kinds of hot sauce, because everybody knows that the perfect way to unwind on a hot day is to play a cruel and vicious practical joke on your own tongue.

Weed Ice Cream

Photo Courtesy of Facebook.com/CremeDeCanna

I scream! You scream! The walls are screaming! Somebody drugged my ice cream! That’s right; because there’s not a snack around that can’t be improved without a dose of medicinal marijuana, Crème De Canna in Los Angeles offers weed-infused ice cream treats as a “healthy” alternative to smoking. Although, to be honest, ice cream that gives you the munchies just sounds like a recipe for chronic obesity.