If 10 NFL Players Were Fast Food Menu Items
With the 2013 season underway, let’s find out who’s the reliable Big Mac, and who’s the Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza…
Carson Palmer = Subway $5 Footlong
Pretty cheap and won’t outright disgust you. But a deep and abiding inner sadness will fill your soul, as mediocrity beats into your gut week after week.
Colin Kaepernick = Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco
Photo (L): Thearon W. Henderson / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
A dual threat that came out of nowhere in 2012 to save a franchise.
Russell Wilson = In-N-Out Double Double
Photo (L): Otto Greule Jr / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
So, so good, only available on the West Coast, and nobody East of Las Vegas knows what it is.
Chris Johnson = McDonalds’ McRib
Photo (L): Frederick Breedon / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Appears when you least expect leading to outsized expectations and inevitable crushing disappointment.
Tim Tebow = Pizza Hut’s Crown Crust Cheeseburger Pizza
Photo (L): Jared Wickerham / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Not really good at anything, discontinued in the United States, and would be a big hit in certain parts of the Middle East.
Felix Jones = White Castle Original Slider
Photo (L): Drew Hallowell / Philadelphia Eagles / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Great, but you’re going to need about 50 of them before you’re finished.
Eli Manning = Dunkin’ Donuts’ Egg White Veggie Wake-Up Wrap
Photo (L): Jim McIsaac / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Good for you but not really good for you, and pretty boring, plus when you’re done you won’t feel bad, but you won’t feel great, either.
Aaron Hernandez = White Castle Crave Case
Photo (L): Jared Wickerham / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Both leave you locked in a tiny room, shitting yourself.
Adrian Peterson = McDonald’s Big Mac
Photo (L): Tom Dahlin / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Consistently the most popular, and with good reason.
Tony Romo = Panda Express Entrée Meal
Photo (L): Ronald Martinez / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Unbelievably expensive for something that will make you sick and/or choke.
Photos by (L): Jonathan Daniel / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
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