Keith Richards is Writing a Children’s Book: Is This the Greatest Or the Worst Idea Ever?

Won’t somebody please think of the children!

Nick Leftley

Mar 12, 2014

Won’t somebody please think of the children!

Real-life Captain Jack Sparrow and noted indestructible drug-machine Keith Richards (who is also in some band called the Rolling Stones or something) is writing a children’s book, which is a sentence the universe never expected to utter. Called Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar, it’s based on his experience of his own grandfather, a jazz musician who inspired Keith to learn the guitar – which, y’know, worked out pretty well for him. The book will be illustrated by his daughter, Theodora. There is no official word yet on whether the pictures will be scratch’n’sniff, but you have to admit, that would be amazing.

While it may be true that, as an icon of rock ‘n’ roll bad behavior, Keith isn’t really the first person you’d think of when choosing someone to write a book for your impressionable young child (especially considering his, uh, “interesting” relationship with his dad), there are definitely worse candidates out there. The following celebrities, in particular, should never, ever write a kid’s book:

Howard Stern

The man with the most impressively filthy mouth in radio is probably not best suited to kindergarten reading material, although maybe an instructional book called Potty-Mouthed Potty Training could be a winner.

The Iron Sheik

While we’re always happy to take advice from our favorite Bubba, the Sheik’s writing style – which has rarely, if ever, been introduced to the concept of spellcheck or punctuation – isn’t the best way to teach your kids to be literate. On the other hand, it will teach them not to be a “tic tac balls, cheeseburger ass jabroni,” so there is that.

Paula Deen

Even if you disregard her recent awfulness (note: you should not disregard her recent awfulness), in a country with a serious obesity problem, the last thing we need is a new version of The Hungry Caterpillar with a protagonist on a mission to eat all the butter on the planet.