Maxim Taste Test: Valentine’s Day Chocolate
6 female Maxim editors ate 6 boxes of chocolate and drank 2 bottles of Champagne just so you could choose the right stuff for your lady this year. You’re welcome.
1. GHIRARDELLI DARK & STRAWBERRY SQUARES
Box Packaging/Presentation: 6.3/10
Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 4.8/10
Taste: 4.5/10
Texture: 4/10
Richness: 5.8/10
Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 4.2/10
How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 6.2/10
Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 2.3/10
Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 2.6/10
Overall Use of Chocolate: 4.7/10
Comment(s): “Strawberry goo is no good.”
“Eww god, make it stop.”
“I don’t like fruit in my chocolate. Stop trying to make that happen.”
TOTAL: 45.4/100 (45%)
2. FERRERO ROCHER FINE HAZELNUT CHOCOLATES
Box Packaging/Presentation: 7.3/10
Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 6.5/10
Taste: 8.8/10
Texture: 7.6/10
Richness: 7.8/10
Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 8.2/10
How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 6.0/10
Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 7.8/10
Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 8/10
Overall Use of Chocolate: 8.6/10
Comment(s): “It gets better at every layer.”
“Yum! Super classy stuff.”
“Always a favorite.”
TOTAL: 76.6/100 (77%)
3.GODIVA HEARTS
Box Packaging/Presentation: 6.2/10
Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 5.8/10
Taste: 6.3/10
Texture: 7.7/10
Richness: 8/10
Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): N/A
How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 6.7
Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 6/10
Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 6/10
Overall Use of Chocolate: 7.2/10
Comment(s): “I like my chocolate like Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream: with a lot of crap in it or a flavor combo. This is boring and feels like a Godiva cop-out.
TOTAL: 59.9/90 (67%)
4.RUSSELL STOVER ASSORTED FINE CHOCOLATES
Box Packaging/Presentation: 4.7/10
Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 5.5/10
Taste: 3.3/10
Texture: 4.3/10
Richness: 5.8/10
Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 5.3/10
How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 4/10
Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 2/10
Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 1.3/10
Overall Use of Chocolate: 3.2/10
Comment(s): “Yuck, this tastes like moth balls but the caramel inside is kind of good.”
“Eating these makes me feel like a cheap hooker.”
“Totally something you pick up last-minute at CVS.”
“It would be okay to receive this from a friend or a middle school boyfriend, but I wouldn’t be impressed if my current boyfriend got it because I know you can get these for like two dollars at Duane Reade.”
“Even if you’re on a budget, find another way.”
TOTAL: 75.4/100 (75%)
5.LINDT LINDOR MILK AND WHITE MILK CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES
Box Packaging/Presentation: 4.8/10
Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 5.5/10
Taste: 3.3/10
Texture: 5.8/10
Richness: 6.2/10
Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 5.3/10
How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 4.8/10
Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 2/10
Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 1.3/10
Overall Use of Chocolate: 4.3/10
Comment(s): “White chocolate sucks but this is okay.”
“I like the roundness.”
“Suggestive photo: creepy, but it tastes a lot better than I expected.”
“I hope white chocolate dies in a fiery car crash. Fuck this shit.”
TOTAL: 43.3/100 (43%)
6. NEUHAUS CLASSIC CHOCOLATES
Box Packaging/Presentation: 6.5/10
Chocolate Shape/Presentation: 6.2/10
Taste: 4.3/10
Texture: 4.8/10
Richness: 5/10
Chocolate Flavor Combo (IF a combo): 3.7/10
How Well Does It Pair With Champagne? 5.5/10
Amount of Joy You Would Have If Someone Gave You These: 4.2/10
Classiness (How classy do you feel when eating it?): 5.2/10
Overall Use of Chocolate: 5.5/10
Comment(s): “Classy and smooth, like Donald Trump’s hairpiece, or a six-piece chicken McNugget.”
“The chocolate looked like a cowboy hat; however, its taste was not as enticing as a cowboy.”
“The chocolate lied. There was an almond shape on the candy, but there was just a weird goo in the middle, and it dripped on my face like a jerk.”
“I like the little Rice Krispie things inside.”
TOTAL: 50.9/100 (51%)
RESULTS
BEST: FERRERO ROCHER!
WORST: LINDT LINDOR TRUFFLES!
We learned that chocolate doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive to be delicious. We also learned that white chocolate and fruit-filled chocolate will probably not get you laid. Stick with the classics, and it’ll all be okay.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Don’t mess up!
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