Thank us later, when you are passed out.
Fortunately for us and our poorly-masked habit, drinking is a crucial part of our day here at Maxim. However, if this isn’t the case for you, the workday can get terribly long and completely un-hilarious. So, if you’d like to dismiss the sobriety from your day (who wouldn’t?), here is your minute-by-minute guide to getting shit-hammered in the office. Hey, if Don Draper can do it, why can’t you? (The answer is because you aren’t Don Draper.)
Note from our lawyers (who are decidedly not drunk): It’s probably safer to not follow our dumb advice which would more than likely lead to you getting fired, but if you do, it’s not on us.
8:36 am: The commute counts as work, so that’s where our tipsy day starts. No one on the bus is going to look twice at you drinking your morning coffee, so this one’s a freebie. Irish-up your morning joe and get a jump-start on your day. Bonus drinks: Exchange the coffee for a dark stout. This is an all-or-nothing sort of day, might as well act like it.
9:15 am: It’s time for breakfast! Scrambled eggs usually take a bit of milk, so who’s to say you can’t replace that with a couple glugs of Kahlua? (Most chefs are to say, but who made them the king of foods and what booze you can’t put in them?) Bonus drinks: A screwdriver looks just like OJ, just as long as your nosy boss stops nosing around your breakfast beverages.
11:30 am: Fun fact: tequila can clean that white board just as well as that stuff in the pump bottle. Fill that bad boy up before your big presentation and spritz your way to that big promotion and corner office. Or to vomiting in the bathroom. Probably the latter.
12:27 pm: Lunchtime is here, and with it you’ll have chances galore to get your drink on. Bring a thermos full of hot rum with carrots, onions, and chicken floating in it. Sound gross? It is! But at this point, you won’t even notice. Bonus drinks: Have a little dessert after your lunch, with that jello you brought from home. You know what we’re saying, WINK WINK.
2:36 pm: Vodka in an eye-dropper is tremendously painful and carries the risk of blindness. But then again so is a two hour conference call, so pick your poison, champ. Bonus drinks: Umm, when you are dropping straight vodka directly into your eyeball, that’s about as bonus as it gets.
3:49 pm: You’re into the home stretch now; so close to getting home and collapsing into a heap on your front lawn. Give yourself the boost you need to cross the finish line with a shot in the arm. No, literally, give yourself a syringe of moonshine right in the arm. We aren’t scientists (or even very smart) but we’ll give you the all-clear on that.
4:52 pm: It’s not exactly quitting time, but go ahead and take off for the day – you’ve done some quality work. Besides, you don’t want to get caught in the elevator with the boss. Stumble onto the bus and get some sleep (preferably on a neighbor). You’ve got a big day of doing exactly the same thing tomorrow!
Still thirsty? Check out:
Science Proves That Just Tasting Beer Gets You High
It’s a Beautiful Day for a Semen Cocktail