In an interview with Sports Illustrated a few months ago, Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin compared a few NFL players and teams to the characters and Houses of his epic fantasy series. He didn’t take it very far, possibly because HBO has chained him to a desk until he finishes Book 6. Happily, Maxim is here to take it to the next level — here are our picks for which GoT characters best represent the stars of the NFL.
AARON RODGERS = ROBB STARK
Photo: Joe Robbins/Getty Images | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
The King in the North! Both young men replaced a long-beloved ruler (Ned Stark, Brett Favre) but have led their Northmen with even more success: Robb’s winning the war against the Lannisters, and Rodgers won the Super Bowl and was basically invincible last year. And yes, by this analogy we think Favre should have been beheaded.
PEYTON MANNING = JAIME LANNISTER
Photo: Mark Leffingwell/Landov | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Bear with us on this: Yes, Jaime Lannister is known for being hot, which Peyton isn’t, but Jaime is one of Westeros’ best swordsmen, just as Peyton is one of the NFL’s most elite quarterbacks. However, age is catching up to both of them, and (mild spoilers) we expect both of them to get injured this upcoming season.
ELI MANNING = TYRION LANNISTER
Photo: Jim McIsaac/Getty Images | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Two men, forever in the shadow of their older brothers. As a misshapen dwarf, no one takes Tyrion Lannister seriously or even expects anything out of him… but he masterminded the plan that saved King’s Landing from the Baratheon forces. The equally underestimated Eli Manning managed to win two Super Bowls against seemingly impossible odds, and still no one believes it because he looks like a fucking goofball.
CALVIN JOHNSON = DAENERYS TARGARYEN
Photo: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Daenerys Targaryen is a queen without a country, blessed with incredible powers — three dragons — who spends most of her time lost in a wasteland. Calvin Johnson is an incredible NFL player without a real NFL team around him, blessed with incredible wide-receiving powers who spends most of his time in Detroit. We imagine he wouldn’t mind a dragon or two, either.
TIM TEBOW = THEON GREYJOY
Photo: Chris Szagola/Landov | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Theon Greyjoy betrayed the family he was raised with, the Starks, to try to impress his incredibly grumpy father. Tim Tebow betrayed the family he grew up with by choosing to go play for the Jets instead of his legion of fans in Jacksonville, probably to impress Jesus or something. Plus, they are both terrible at their respective professions — waging war and quarterbacking.
TOM BRADY = RENLY AND STANNIS BARATHEON
Photo: Matt Sullivan/Landov | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
There are two Tom Bradys — the serious, brutally efficient quarterback who rules the football field (Stannis), and the fun-loving, good-looking dude who makes some odd decisions off the field (Renly). Every football fan (except for Pats ones, of course) hate the former Brady, but he’s the one who does all the winning. Also, can we prove that Gisele didn’t give birth to a shadow assassin? No, we cannot.
ROB GRONKOWSKI = LITTLEFINGER
Photo: Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish isn’t royalty, but as a simple owner of brothels has managed to worm his way into the royal court, and can match wits and plot with the best of them. Rob Gronkowski wears Zubaz pants and is really good at football. Admittedly, the two don’t seem much alike until you remember that both men are constantly surrounded by women who get paid to have sex. A lot.
DARREN SPROLES = ARYA STARK
Photo: Eric Cahna/Landov | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
We’re sure some of you though the diminutive 5’6” New Orleans Saints running back would be the equally tiny Tyrion, right? Wrong. Arya Stark is a little girl who has no business being on her own in war-torn Westeros, but who has not only managed to survive but thrive, to an extent. We’d say the same about Sproles in the NFL.
DAN SNYDER = KING JOFFREY
Photo: Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images | Courtesy of HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
One is a young, smug, talentless bastard who lucked into power, constantly makes terrible decisions while thinking he’s a genius, and has fucked up his domain every single minute he’s been in charge of it. The other is King Joffrey. Do the math.
NFL players as Game Of Thrones Characters
We call it: A Game Of Throwns!