He’s Scotty in Star Trek Into Darkness, and it’s time for God to beam him up. Here’s how he’s spending his last day on Earth.
So how do you want to leave this world?
Quickly, with a minimum of fuss and no warning, perhaps hit by a meteor or something. Although I suppose that defeats the whole “24 Hours to Live” thing. OK, so I’d like someone to inject me with a 24-hours-to-live serum, which makes you forget why you’re living your life like it’s your last day on Earth and then switches you off painlessly after 24 hours of rambunctious fun.
Do you have any deathbed confessions?
I definitely didn’t have enough group sex.
You’re reprising your role as Scotty in the new Star Trek movie. If you could beam yourself anywhere in the universe, where would you go?
That’s a daft question, because I have no idea what exists beyond the planet Earth. I could say the surface of Proxima Centauri, but then I might wind up having my eyeballs sucked out through my arse. As such I’d have to keep it local and in the bounds of my own geographical knowledge. Australia is a bitch to get to from the U.K., but I love it there, so I’d have to say Oz.
In Shaun of the Dead you battled zombies. If you came back as a zombie, whom would you terrorize?
You don’t get to choose whom you terrorize; it’s just the first person you encounter. It could be a cherished loved one or a sworn enemy, whoever is unlucky enough to be in your vicinity when you reanimate. Having said that, I’d like to reanimate at an NRA meeting. I probably wouldn’t last long, but it would be fun just to see everybody scrabbling to take the safety catches off their hand cannons.
You played a supercop in Hot Fuzz. In your life have you ever had any run-ins with the law?
Several, but I am not really at liberty to speak about them.
Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
Plenty, but what’s the point? Violence begets violence. It is not an answer. Sometimes it’s a response; it’s hard to turn your cheek when someone is punching the other one. I never just hit someone because I could, though, because they’d pissed me off. That’s a boneheaded thing to do.
What’s your last meal?
New York pizza.
While you were alive, what did you spend the most money on?
Myself.
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
Empty the dishwasher.
What woman did you always want to sleep with?
Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner. I think that would be fun. That is, if she didn’t try to strangle me with her thighs. Actually, that would be fun, too.
What are people saying over your casket?
“Nice casket!”
What are your last words? “Beam me up, Scotty”?
But I am Scotty, which would be weird. I’d have to say, “Beam me up, me,” which throws up a lot of really grisly imagery. I think my last words would have to be, “What fucking meteor?”
Get more Star Trek with this behind-the-scenes video and our Dog Movie Review Special.