Valentine’s Day Cocktails for the Lonely

Because your drink will never call you an “insufferable mama’s boy.”


Spending your Valentine’s Day alone doesn’t mean you have to wallow. Mix yourself up a couple delicious cupid-flavor concoctions (to be enjoyed responsibly, of course) and relax; just make sure to follow these instructions to a T.

Cupid’s Bow


4 oz Belvedere Vodka


½ oz Simple Syrup


1 oz Lemon Juice


12 Raspberries


2 Dashes Egg White


Shake vigorously and strain into two chilled martini glasses. Garnish with a raspberry. Drink one while pouring the other down the drain; like that awful shrew did with all the love that you gave her. She doesn’t deserve you, you handsome son of a bitch.

Raspberry White Chocolate Truffle


3 oz Van Gogh Raspberry Vodka


1 oz White chocolate Godiva


3 oz White crème de Cocoa


1 ½ oz Raspberry Liqueur


6 Raspberries


Place Raspberries into the bottom of two martini glasses. Combine liquid ingredients in a shaker and shake over ice. Strain into glasses. Drink one and then throw the other one at a photo of you in happier times. Go to a romantic restaurant and tell all the couples what life is really like. Demand the bartender make you another “chocolate-fruit something or other.”

Lord Panama


4 oz Ron Abuelo 7 Años


10 oz lightly sweetened iced tea


Lime wedge


Split the Abuelo over ice in two highball glasses then fill with iced tea. Squeeze in a lime wedge. Stir to mix. Drink both in rapid succession and then leave a sobbing message on her answering machine. Call back but throw your phone against the wall before you say anything. That’ll show her.

Girls in Red

The Supervillain Valentine’s Gift Guide