Which Beer Is Most Likely To Land You In The Emergency Room?

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Are you currently in a hospital emergency room? If so, look at the patient to your left. Now look at the patient to your right. Now look down at your jean shorts and see if you’ve wet them. If so, congratulations! You’re the one out of three people admitted to emergency rooms due to alcohol-related injury! And because this is America and we have the best scientists in the universe (eat it, Neptune), more money than cartoon super heroes (suck it, Batman), and more time on our hands than the hordes of massively unemployed (take that…us?), a scientific study analyzing just what booze brought patients to the hospital is ready for reading.

For a year, researchers at Johns Hopkins University hung out at the Johns Hopkins emergency room in East Baltimore. Once patients came stumbling in, science dudes asked what booze brought them in that evening. The preferred intoxicants for the injured? Bud, Steel Reserve, Colt 45, and Bud Light. Of course, researchers had to wait around for patients to sober up before they could give informed consent to participate in the study.

The study also took a look at liquor choices, but the researchers theorized that those choices might have been more particular to the local Baltimore booze preferences and less universally applicable (it’s hard to find “Omar’s Shotgun Whiskey” anywhere but B-Town. Is Baltimore even called “B-Town”? Probably, right? That sounds like something you’d call Baltimore if you were a cool guy. Like, “Hey, let’s go to B-Town!” and then the other guy would be like, “Are you saying ‘Bean Town’ like as in Boston?” and then you’d have to explain that whole thing, but everybody would get a good chuckle out of it in the end).

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