The Three Stooges got us to thinking about threesomes– unless sexy time is involved, there’s almost always a shitty member in each one. Sorry, Larry. Three really is a crowd. Check out our picks for the worst members of trios below.
Check out the Hottest Stars of Farrelly Brothers films.
Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Jack Holden, Three Men and a Baby
Photo: Interscope Communications | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
On the one hand, there would be no baby without Jack Holden. On the other hand, there would be no baby without Jack Holden! Jack is a slacker. While he’s off in Turkey making a B movie, his two roommates (A cartoonist and an archictect? Can’t they afford their own place?) have to deal with infant piss and musical montages. If it were up to us, Jack would be voted off the island of Manhattan and this movie would be called Two Straight Guys Living Together Despite Their Financial Ability To Live On Their Own.
The Middle Ring in a 3-Ring Binder
Having a Trapper Keeper was cool back in the day but who really needed or needs three metal rings to keep their papers together when two would be just fine? In fact, why the hell does notebook paper have three holes (insert whatever joke here)? We don’t need ’em! Two is a natural number. We have two eyes, two ears, two nipples, two hands…etc. There’s nothing natural about three. Nothing!
Blossom of The Powerpuff Girls
Photo: Cartoon Network / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Bubbles is cute, Buttercup is mean as hell, and Blossom is…um…pink. That’s all she’s got going on. We’d take Mojo Jojo over her any day.
Harry Potter of Harry, Ron, and Hermione
Photo Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
The boy who lived? More like the boy who lived to be the worst member of a trio. Ron and Hermione have natural coolness, whereas Harry just sort of fell into his by chance and an awesome scar. Aww…poor Harry. Must really suck to have super powers, money, friends, super powers and money. Stop crying, Potter! Plus, have you seen Emma Watson?
Dusty Bottoms of ¡Three Amigos!
Photo: Orion Pictures Corporation | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Talk about a diva… Dusty Bottoms acts like he’d rather be in any movie but ¡Three Amigos!, plus Chevy Chase seems like he might be kind of a jerk.
Manny of the Pep Boys
You already know how we feel about Harry Potter. Obviously the Pep Boy sporting the Potter glasses is going to get the shaft from us. There’s something wretched about a guy whose eyeballs we can’t actually see. Can you say sketchball?
The Mouse with the Best Vision of the Three Blind Mice
Photo: DreamWorks | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Speaking of eyeballs, you know all three mice can’t possibly be 100% blind. One of them probably is only “legally blind” and saw that carving knife coming. Are we making this up? Completely. Did we ever claim to be rational here at Maxim? No. No, we didn’t.
Krist Novoselic of Nirvana
Photo: Jeff Kravitz / FilmMagic| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Who? Exactly.
Crackle of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies
Crackle dresses like a little sailor-orphan-Smurf-hybrid with peach skin, while Snap looks like a top chef and Pop looks like a straight-up boss/captain of rice-based cereal. (Do we smell competition with Cap’n Crunch?) Sorry, Crackle, but by process of elimination, you are lame. The other two just want it more.
The Entire Cast of Threesome
Photo: TriStar Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
In 1994 this cast seemed pretty stellar. But now? Usual-Suspect-turned-religious-freak Stephen Baldwin kind of scares us, and so does facial shapeshifter Lara Flynn Boyle. And Josh Charles? We just don’t care about him. (Josh, we’re kidding. You were great on Sports Night. Probably!)