Armed And Fabulous: 6 Weapons For The Lady In Your Life
They’re adorable, yet deadly. Like gerbils!
We know how it is, guys – women are tough to buy gifts for. Sure, you want to get them something pretty, but also something that doesn’t hamper their ability to maim a would-be mugger. Well fear not, considerate fellow, we’ve got you covered. For the lady in your life, here are six wonderful, womanly weapons that put the “sweet” into “Sweet Jesus, she broke my face!”
THE BRASS KNUCKLE ENGAGEMENT RING
For the woman who spends a lot of time starring in rap videos, it can be tricky to strike the balance between rocking some fashionable bling, and meting out street-style justice to all who stand in her way. That’s why this elegant, yet terrifying cluster of faux-diamond rings is specifically designed to let her break a man’s cheekbone without breaking a nail. If you like it, put a ring on it. If you really like it, make sure it’s encased with weaponized cubic zirconia.
THE PEPPER CLIP
Did you once visit the circus, see the clowns squirting each other with flowers, and say, “That right there is the future of self-defense”? Of course you did! That’s why The Pepper Clip is engineered from proven clown technology to be both hilarious and deadly. It may appear to be a lovely flower sitting in your lady’s hair, but one press of the concealed button turns it into a pepper spray-spewing nightmare. Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the roses. The roses of vengeance.
THE “SHE” (SOCIETY HARNESSING EQUIPMENT)
Built with the noble aim of causing agonizing pain to would-be sex attackers, the SHE bestows upon its wearer the terrifying superpower of electric boobies. Capable of delivering an eye-watering 3,200kv to anybody groping where they shouldn’t be groping, the SHE is also capable of sending an emergency text alert with the wearer’s GPS location to the local police station. If technology allows, eventually the SHE will be able to tell when you are ogling it, and phone your wife accordingly.
ELECTRIC CINDERELLA
Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world – particularly if those shoes conceal a 100,000-volt stun-gun. Packing the means to tase a bro into a quivering mess can really fill up your purse, so these fashionable shoes come equipped with an inbuilt Taser that is both discreet and deadly. If you leave these suckers behind at the ball, you’d better make sure your Prince Charming is sporting some heavy-duty rubber gloves.
FASHIONABLE GUNS
Guns, right? Just because they’re highly deadly dealers of death, doesn’t mean they have to look so gosh darn dull! Cue designer/artist Peter Gronquist and his beautifully rendered weapons of war. If you need to put the funk in your firefight, jazz up your jihad, or bring a little attraction to your military action, then these designer-branded glamour guns are just the ticket. When you absolutely, positively have to wow every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitute.
ADORABLE KITTY-FACE KEYCHAIN
Everybody likes a kitty face – especially this little fella. Aw, lookit! It looks like you just gave a math problem to a cat! He’s all like, “I can haz learningz?” or something. Probably. Ahem. Of course, the kitty keychain is really designed to be the perfect tool for scraping out some unsuspecting chump’s eyeballs, so while it may look cute, it’s actually a total bastard. Just like a real cat!
Want more weird stuff? Check out the Batman carseat and Taco Bell’s new waffle taco!
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