4 Things To Never Say In Bed, Valentine’s Day Edition

“Let’s take a selfie!” Let’s… not.

Cara Hessels

Feb 14, 2016

Violets are blue, roses are red, it’s Valentine’s Day… love is dead.

KIDDING! Kinda? No, seriously, I’m kidding. Love is a beautiful thing and ’tis the season to celebrate it. Being that we at Maxim love love (or at least the act of making love), we want to ensure you get yours this Valentine’s Day without any sort of interference. This is including, but not limited to, what you say in the bedroom.

Like sports commentary, talking dirty is a complicated art. You have to read the room. For example, don’t ask to “pet her kitty” if she, in fact, does not own a cat. Easy as it is to get carried away in the heat of a steamy moment, some things are better left unsaid. Namely, the following:

1. “We need to talk.” Is there any other phrase more vomit inducing? (Other than, “It’s yours.”) If you really want to bring Valentine’s Day sexy time to a screeching halt, tell your lady you need to have a talk and watch your relationship dissolve faster than the cliche chocolate hearts you bought in a last minute attempt at romance.

2. “I love you.” Hey, if you’re in a loving, committed relationship, shout this one from the rooftops. Good for you! If you’re not, and these three little words have never before been exchanged, keep it to yourself. Nothing says, “I want to wear your skin” like a mid-coitus profession of love.

3. Someone else’s name. There is no better way to receive a swift kick to the balls than by calling the woman you’re with the wrong name. And that would suck for you because maybe she was really into your balls. Also, it would really hurt.

Don’t be a dummy. If for whatever reason you’re unsure of the name of the person you’re sexing, don’t guess. There is no winner in this game. Rather, stick to “baby” or “babe.” Even “Yeah, girl. Let me get that.” is better than calling someone the wrong name. Even better, just keep your mouth shut.