How Would Your Porn Survive An Internet Apocalypse?

Forget email and Wikipedia – could we cope if our free porn disappeared?

Wayne Gladstone

Oct 20, 2014

After nearly two decades of porn being available, for free, at the click of a button, there are whole generations of people who wouldn’t even know how to cope if, for some reason, it one day just disappeared. In the interest of being prepared for even the worst of disasters, we turned to Wayne Gladstone for advice, because a) he is the author of the novel “Notes From The Internet Apocalypse,” which deals with exactly this sort of scenario, and b), he is, amazingly, actually old enough to remember a time when there was no such thing as Internet porn. Take it away, old timer!

While writing Notes from the Internet Apocalypse, I spent a lot of time thinking about the consequences of the whole world going offline. And while the Internet has revolutionized communication and commerce, my thoughts turned increasingly to porn because, apparently, I’m a pervert. But also because the Net has drastically changed pornography and, more importantly, us – we can’t simply go back to business as usual, we’ve gotten too used to the Internet’s ease and anonymity. So what will we do if the whole thing comes tumbling down tomorrow? What forms of online porn will survive best in an Internet Apocalypse? Listed below are the four main categories of Internet porn, ranked by their ability to survive…

Snap Chat

Do you have this app? Congrats, you’re a terrible perv. No, I’m joking. That’s a huge overstatement. In fact, lots of the kids today seem to use it for perfectly innocuous communication. But…also cock pics. Yep. There’s just a lot of nudity going back and forth on this app for the simple reason that pics disappear in a matter of seconds and if you try to screencap somone’s porn, the app narcs you out. So how does that hold up in an Apocalypse? Well, not particularly well, I’m afraid. If you want to recreate that experience offline, I’m pretty sure the best you can do is hand out Polaroids of your junk. If this becomes a thing, the first person to patent that Mission Impossible self-destruct technology is going to be the richest man in the world.

Online Video

The end of online video is the most obvious casualty of an Internet Apocalypse, and one of the hardest to recreate. It’s going to be a tough loss to cope with because we’ve all gotten used to free, private porn (and by private, I mean known only to whichever government or Internet provider is currently mining your data for future blackmail). Sure, it’s easy to say we can all just start shopping at video stores again, but that ignores the fact that porn exploded with the Net because people could suddenly buy it without being seen, and society isn’t ready to give that up. Just ask your clergyman – walking into adult video stores or movie theaters is embarrassing. To survive, video stores would have to adapt, perhaps operating out of the back of fake costume shops. That way, not only would it look like you’d entered a non-sleazy store, you could grab a mask while you did your shopping (preferably a Batman mask, because why wouldn’t you?). It would work, in theory. A very desperate, stupid theory, true, but face it, there’s no easy way to recreate the ease of online porn vids in the Internet Apocalypse, and “stupid and desperate” is going to describe an awful lot of people at that point.

Photo: Ethan Myerson/ Getty Images

Chatroulette

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Finally, something that holds up in an Internet Apocalypse and it applies to everyone’s favorite website, Chatroulette! Wait, that’s not everyone’s favorite website? Oh. Then I can admit I’ve never been on it, either. From what I understand, it’s kind of like putting your webcam on shuffle, allowing you to interface with lots of new people and/or show them your penis. I’m not really sure what the appeal is there, but the good news for lovers of Chatroulette is that it would do really well in an Internet Apocalypse, thanks to this old-timey thing called flashing. Just get yourself a mask and a trench coat and expose yourself to unsuspecting people! I mean, that’s not actually a serious suggestion. Why would you do that? And that overpriced defense lawyer you hired to blame your disgusting actions on me can’t prove I was being serious, either.

Webcam Girls

So have you ever paid money to watch a woman do something sexually provocative on web cam? Me either. What, just because I wrote a whole article about web porn, you don’t believe me? It’s true! So anyway, as we all know, if you’re so inclined, you can totally find women to do all sorts of dirty stuff for a fee, all from the comfort of your home. The good news is, unlike the previous examples of online smut, web cam girls would do exceedingly well in a post-Internet Apocalypse world, and that’s why they top our list. It would, of course, be a return to the days of one-way glass peep shows. I’ve never been to one in real life, but I remember them existing as a kid when my family would come into New York City to see a show at Christmas. (Yes, my Christmas memories are intermingled with Times Square porn. That’s just as Jesus intended, no?) Anyway, the old fashioned peep show is virtually indistinguishable from modern day web cams (especially if you bring your own armchair), so breath a sigh of relief, webcam girl lovers, because if the whole thing goes down, your favorite porn hobby will survive the Apocalypse. And that means there will be no need to actually work on yourself in anyway in the hopes of actually finding a fulfilling, sexually-sustained relationship. Huzzah!