If you’ve ever broken a bone, you know damn well it hurts like a bitch. As someone who’s broken both arms and the same foot twice, I know the feeling well. But you know what sucks even more? Breaking your other type of bone, if you know what I mean.
Yup, I’m talking about your penis. Breaking your dick while having sex, to be more specific. You know, right when you’re thinking about how awesome sex feels, she suddenly sits on your cock wrong, or you accidentally slam it into her thigh bone, and crack! There goes your goddamn manhood. Not a good look, my dudes.
According to Medical Daily, when you “break” your penis, you’ll hear a cracking or popping sound, you’ll swiftly lose your boner, and your dick will turn kaleidoscopic shades of purple and blue, due to the pooling blood in your damaged genitals.
Well, Jesus H. Christ. I don’t even have a penis, yet I’m squeezing my legs together just thinking about how much it would suck to have a broken penis.
I should point out, though, that breaking your penis doesn’t mean actually breaking it, because human dicks don’t have a bone. Breaking your penis involves tearing a hole in the tunica albuginea, which is part of your dick responsible for giving you boners.
A 2014 study about broken dicks published in the journal Advances in Urology found that of 44 cases of broken penises, 28 were caused by three specific P-in-V sex positions.
And with the help of this oddly hypnotic trio of illustrative GIFs from Cosmopolitan, here are the top three most dangerous sex positions that significantly increase your chance of snapping your manhood in half, so you know to avoid them.
1. Cowgirl
According to Medical Daily, half of broken penises are caused by having a woman sit on your dick in the cowgirl position. Well, damn. That’s one of the most commonly used sex positions, too. That sucks.
“In this position, the woman controls movement with her body weight as she’s on the erect penis,” the researchers wrote in the study. “Here, the man is unable to stop the penetration if it goes awry.”
So, to avoid breaking your penis, don’t let her get on top. Ever. Just kidding.
2. Doggy style
Awww, shit. Bad news for all you doggy-loving dudes out there. 29 percent of snapped dicks in the study were caused by doing her from behind a little too hard.
“In this position, the man exerts a lot of power into his thrusts, which can take a wrong turn if he is not diligent,” the researchers said, suggesting having rough sex is risky business unless you’re super duper careful.
3. Missionary
And finally, the third most dangerous sex position is missionary. Yes, missionary. The most ho-hum position there ever was. The boring baked potato of sex positions.
Wow, surprising how even the blandest of the bland has the potential to be disastrous. Never in a million years would I have guessed a sex position as vanilla as missionary could break your penis.
Well, with that said, we’ve just established that even the most boring sex positions can result in a horrifying penile injury. But then again, the odds of you breaking your penis are extremely slim, so you’ll probably be fine.
However, if something does go wrong and you end up injuring your manhood, Here’s what you should do:
- Cry.
- Seek emergency medical attention.
- Cry some more. You have the right to do so.
And once you’re at the hospital, doctors will have to surgically repair the torn tissue, but don’t worry — it’s a minor operation that only takes about an hour, and you’ll be back to having sex in about a month.
But even though it’s a relatively easy fix, no man wants to break their most treasured body part. So for the love of God, be careful out there.
H/T: Medical Daily / Cosmopolitan / FHM