The Slob’s Guide To Fitness
Seven men. Two months. Seven workout regimens. Who would come out alive?
Dan Bova, Chief Content Officer
$120
What it is: You know Insanity? Those DVD commercials with Shaun T promising you sweat, pain, results, and some more pain? This is a quickie version. Who doesn’t love a quickie?
Frequency: 25 minutes five days a week, with the option for double sessions on Fridays (an option I never elected).
Convenience: It’s fast and can be done in your living room, so it’s convenient for loved ones to mock you from the couch.
Intensity: Fierce! Cardio! Strength! Flexibility! Prepare for a full-scale Shaun-tervention on your flab!
X-factor: The program recommended drinking Shakeology meal-replacement supplements, but I did that one time only because, frankly, it made me shit my brains out.
Results: Very good! My clothes fit better, and I had more energy for snacking.
But can you do it drunk? Definitely! Having a little bit of whiskey swirling around in your brain makes for some interesting head rushes while doing burpees.
Calories Burned: 300-400 (So it’ll take four workouts to burn off those Cheetos.)
On Dan: Champion Powertrain T-Shirt, $20, and shorts, $25, Championusa.com
SoulCycle
Patrick Carone, Entertainment Director
Photographed for Maxim by John Loomis | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
$32–$35 per class
What it is: Intense spinning classes where you’re surrounded by girls. The instructors are also DJs, so you hear lots of high-energy dance music. The other day they played the new Britney, and it was wonderful.
Frequency: Two or three 45-minute classes a week.
Convenience: There are studios all over New York City, and there are several in California. I was in central Florida on vacation for a week, though, so I was off the hook. No studios in the sticks!
Intensity: The sessions didn’t get any easier, but maybe that was because I picked tougher and tougher instructors.
X-factor: The classes have been 90 percent female. The girls are cute, mostly in their early 20s… Yes, I feel like a creepster taking a class with them.
Results: SoulCycle is best for a guy who wants to improve his overall fitness. And the women-filled classes might actually motivate you to get off your ass and exercise. A couple of my buddies told me I looked “less fat,” and my fiancée said my calves look great. Score!
But can you do it drunk? It’s a great workout to do hung over. At morning classes on Saturday and Sunday, the instructors will even take into account the fact that half the class was likely partying the night before. (“We’re going to start slowly to work off those vodka-sodas!”) I would never do it drunk, though. I’d be scared of popping out of my bike and crashing headfirst into the sweaty butt in front of me.
Calories Burned: 400-600 in your average SoulCycle class.
David Zamdmer, Art Director
Photographed for Maxim by John Loomis | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
$22–$34 per class
What it is: Running, floor work, and weight training during hour-long group sessions. One day might focus on cardio, another on abs, another on arms. It’s kind of like “clubby basic training” with lots of blaring dance music, so prepare for fist pumping!
Frequency: I tried to go four times a week, Monday through Thursday, to give myself a full weekend to talk myself out of suicide.
Convenience: The program has outposts in L.A., New York, London, and Boston, so unless you’re in one of those cities, tough luck.
Intensity: The idea is to go as hard as you can without dying. I was a little apprehensive because I had knee surgery a few years ago, but by the end I was kicking everyone’s ass.
X-factor: The makeup is probably 65-35 in favor of women. Not that I checked them out. (I hope my girlfriend isn’t reading this.)
Results: I lost some weight, gained some muscle, and am definitely a lot more cut. And speaking of my girlfriend, let’s just say she was very happy with the results.
But can you do it drunk? Yikes. I wouldn’t recommend it!
Calories Burned: 800-1K in an hour-long bootcamp class.
On David: Under Armour Tactical Charged Tee, $25, Combine Training Shadowcamo Shorts, $50, Underarmour.com
Adam Linehan, Intern, Army Vet
Photographed for Maxim by John Loomis | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
$200 for a TRX home kit
What it is: A pair of looped straps that give you an intense workout in which you’re working against your own body weight. (This may be less effective for Olsen-twin types.)
Frequency: Three times a week at the local Crunch gym, for 30 to 45 minutes a session, plus cardio and soccer.
Convenience: The good thing about using TRX at the gym is you don’t have to move around from workout station to workout station. And if I can’t make it to the gym, I’ll work out in my apartment with the at-home set.
Intensity: When I started it was tough, but the workouts got easier as I went along. To spice things up, I began doing some of the trickier exercises, like the plyometric hand hops, which never, ever get any easier. Because they’re designed to suck.
X-factor: You can do it in your pj’s!
Results: I’m feeling a little stronger and a bit lighter on my feet, but I don’t think I lost any weight. Of course, moonlighting at a barbecue restaurant didn’t help matters.
But can you do it drunk? Yes, of course. Alcohol makes me stronger.
Calories Burned: 360-530 in an hour-long TRX training session.
On Adam: Asics Tango Shorts, $40, Sleek Stride Socks, $10, Gel-Fortius Shoes, $90, Asicsamerica.com
Bikram Yoga
Christian Smith, Research Chief
Photographed for Maxim by John Loomis | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
$8–$34 per class
What it is: Also known as hot yoga, this is all about contorting yourself into pretzel-like positions in sauna-esque conditions. The Bikram folks say that in order to work “every muscle, tendon, ligament, joint, and internal organ,” you need a warmer, more flexible body.
Frequency: Two to three 90-minute classes per week in 104°F heat.
Convenience: Travel/class/recovery took about three hours. In order to hit Bikram before work, I had to get up at 5:45!
Intensity: Grueling. Twenty-six poses, most of them crazy, each performed twice, with very few breaks. I smoked pot before one class just to see if it helped me concentrate. The answer: maybe.
X-factor: It’s about 70 percent women, but there’s no talking, so it’s not a pickup joint.
Results: Strangely, the classes got more challenging as I got better at it, but whenever an instructor complimented one of my poses, it felt like a small victory.
But can you do it drunk? No! Hung over? Only if you’re keeping water down and can go 90 minutes without hitting the can.
Calories Burned: 500-1K in a 90-minute Bikram class (250 mg. of caffeine can up calories burned by 10 percent).
On Christian: REI Sariska Tee, $35, and shorts $55, REI.com, Yogitoes Skidless Towel, $68, Yogitoes.com
Physical Therapy
David Swanson, Deputy Editor
Photographed for Maxim by John Loomis | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
$40 insurance co-pay per session
What it is: Um, it’s physical therapy. I tore my ACL and fractured my tibia, so after three months on crutches it was time to get back in fighting shape. That meant a series of torturous exercises that wouldn’t have had any of these other jerks breaking a sweat: balancing routines, leg presses, and playing with balls. No, really, lots of playing with balls.
Frequency: Twice a week at the clinic and another two or three times a week on my own.
Convenience: The frequency of my midday sessions made it convenient for me to come up with excuses for why my work wasn’t done.
Intensity: For an able-bodied young dude, it would have been a breeze. I am not that dude.
X-factor: The staff was super-nice, and my instructor, Kelly, and I had lots of good talks about music. But…there are a lot of old people in physical therapy. A lot.
Results: At the start I needed to wear my brace to and from work and use crutches or a cane. After a month or so, I’m off the brace and only use the cane to look fancy.
But can you do it drunk? Every time.
Months it takes to recover from torn ACL: 9-18 (Adrian Peterson, nine) (Derrick Rose, 18)
Reebok CrossFit
Gustavo Gonzalez, Production Director
Photographed for Maxim by John Loomis | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
Approximately $215/month for 12 classes, crossfit.com
What it is: Bare-bones exercises like skipping rope, squats, box jumps, crunches, pull-ups, and weights. It’s cult-like in the intensity of fans’ devotion. Class sizes ranged from 10 in the mornings to 80 in the late afternoons.
Frequency: I went three to four times a week at the local Reebok CrossFit. On off days I’d work on cardio on my own.
Convenience: One benefit is that once you’re CrossFit-certified, you can hit up classes all around the country.
Intensity: There are three tiers of intensity. I started at Tier 1, and by the end I’d made it into Tier 3, which was completely insane. And did I mention there are no breaks in the classes, which run 30–60 minutes?
X-factor: In hindsight, I wish I would have stayed with the same time slot every day instead of moving from morning to midday. That noon class was crazy, with 50 people crammed in there.
Results: I’d definitely keep doing it, but I wouldn’t recommend it if for losing weight. While I burned fat, I gained muscle.
But can you do it drunk? I cut out alcohol completely, so I wouldn’t know. But I seriously doubt it.
Calories Burned: 12 per minute – that’s six million calories a year… if you do it 24/7.
On Gustavo: Reebok Crossfit Move Weight Tee, $40, San Bernardino Shorts, $45, Reebok.com
Photos by John Loomis | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
Read This Next
