Good day, gentlemen. We’re here today to talk about an innovative new procedure that will make your balls bigger (what?), less wrinkly, and a lot less sweaty. Doesn’t that sound great? You know, except for the making your balls bigger part? Well, all it takes is a couple thousand dollars and a bunch of needles jabbed into your nutsack. Easy-breezy!
Did you instinctively press your legs together as you read that? I know I did, and I don’t even have balls. Just the thought of getting needles jabbed into any kind of downtown region makes me flinch.
Anyway, this magical procedure is apparently just like a beautifying mini facelift for your sack, and is achieved with the help of good old botox. But in this case, it’s called Scrotox. Get it? Botox in your scrotum = scrotox. Haha.
“The idea of injecting Botox into the scrotum to smooth the wrinkles has been around for many years among plastic surgeons; however, none of us thought it would be something consumers would request,” says New York City plastic surgeon Dr. Matthew Schulman.
Funny, plastic surgeons never thought men would be down to get botulism injected into their family jewels, yet here we are. 2016, people.
“The Botox will relax the dartos muscle, which is just beneath the skin,” Schulman says. “The injection will cause the skin to relax, smooth the wrinkles, and make the scrotum appear larger. Slightly deeper injections into the cremaster muscles will cause the testicles to drop slightly.”
Hear that, fellas? Scrotox will relax your balls and make them smooth as silk. It’s like sending your genitals on a tropical vacation. Just kidding. It’s nothing like that.
The Hollywood Reporter, of all places, has even declared it a full-blown man trend:
Men looking to make their testicles appear larger as well as decrease sweating and wrinkling in the area are shelling out between $1,500 and $3,000 for botulism toxin injections done directly into the skin of the scrotum. As with all Botox, effects last for three to six months.
Saturday Night Live spoofed the treatment in 2010, but it’s no joke now. Beverly Hills-based surgeon Jason Emer performs the procedure a few times a week and links its rise in popularity to the booming women’s genital plastic surgery market.
However interesting the results may sound, Scrotox may not give you the aesthetic you were anticipating. “Relaxation of the scrotal skin will lead to a smoother, ‘floppier,’ and longer scrotum,” Schulman says. “This appearance is more consistent with an ‘older’ scrotum.”
Bruh. Nobody wants the saggy, floppy balls of an 80-year-old grandpa before the time comes. That’ll happen naturally – no need to rush it. So maybe it’s best to leave Botox injections for the treatment of other things, like excessively sweaty armpits and poor bladder control, and let your boys do their own thing.