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Well, it’s safe to say the NFL gods are harsh. The same week I nailed both the Lock of the Week and the Upset of the Week, I went 0-for-4 on my parlay.
On the bright side, I did nail the Detroit Lions in my Worst Game prediction, but they were long overdue. If anything, a win against the Arizona Cardinals hurt them in the long run, dropping the Lions to the No. 2 overall pick in April 2022’s NFL Draft.
But, to be real, the Lock and the Upset are my jams. It’s why I’m here, writing this nonsense for you to read on your lunch break before you get back to whatever ultimately meaningless task you’re performing in exchange for money in the economic system people other than you have decided fits us best.
We are all cogs in the same machine. I’m just trying to make it more fun and at least bearable. As such, I have perused the odds at MaximBet once again to deliver to you my artisanal picks for this Christmas weekend.
May we all get to be our own Santa Claus thanks to sports betting.
Lock Of The Week
Chicago Bears at Seattle Seahawks (-6.5)
The Seahawks have been realistically eliminated from the playoffs, but they’re at home, in front of the 12th man (if that still exists) hosting maybe the worst coached team in the league in the Chicago Bears.
Justin Fields may very well be the next Russell Wilson, but he won’t do it with Matt Nagy calling the plays. And while Pete Carroll might be putting for par on the links next year, he’s still a Pro Football Hall of Fame head coach this year. And Russell Wilson will do everything he can to maximize his trade value before the offseason and do his best to keep his Michelin star.
Take the Seahawks at -6.5 odds from MaximBet
Worst Games Of The Week
Detroit Lions at Atlanta Falcons (-5.5)
Los Angeles Chargers (-10) at Houston Texans
Normally, the Worst Games of the Week is a chance to make fun of the NFL’s schedulers and how poorly they missed the mark on a Sunday. This week, we can’t do that as even our worst games aren’t completely abysmal.
How badly will the Lions screw up their draft capital with meaningless wins? Can their self-destructive impulses overcome the Falcons’ scientific search to discover new and innovative ways of losing?
The Chargers have all but wrapped up a playoff spot. There’s no excuse at all for the Texans to even show up for this game with just three weeks to go in the season, so you just know they will.
Take the Falcons moneyline at -240 and/or the Chargers at -10. Or, maybe just avoid these games altogether.
A Shocking Upset Of The Arizona Cardinals
I know I normally try to pick a legit shocker in this section, a game at -3.5 or better, but I’m not feeling it this week.
Instead, I’m selecting the first in-season HBO’s Hard Knocks team, the Indianapolis Colts, to remove the Arizona Cardinals from the NFC West’s top spot.
Did the Los Angeles Rams break the Cards two weeks ago? I can’t answer that, but I’m confident in saying a legit conference champion and Super Bowl contender wouldn’t lose by 18 points to the Detroit Lions. I don’t even feel like it’s that controversial.
There is, of course, one thing that could fuck up the Colts chances at victory and that’s their unvaccinated quarterback, Carson Wentz, catching COVID-19 when the league is dealing with its worst outbreak since the pandemic began.
Hopefully Wentz has banned NFL Films cameras from his house, and his newborn baby, and maybe gotten that first vaccine dose. Fingers crossed.
If Wentz does make it to the field, he’s got an advantage because the Cards have played like complete ass at home this year.
Take the Colts at +1.
Drop $10 On A Four-Team Parlay
I’m takin’ this horse by the reins makin’ Redcoats redder with bloodstains. Lafayette! And I’m never gonna stop until I make ‘em drop and burn ‘em up and scatter their remains thanks to dropping a Hamilton on this four-team parlay.
As we always do, we build this parlay on the base of our upset pick, that of the Colts (-104). To that, we’re going to add the Ravens (+130), Bills (+115) and the Dolphins (+148).
Lamar Jackson remains day to day with a foot injury, but Tyler Huntley nearly knocked off the Packers last week. Would the Cincinnati Bengals be a tougher test for the talented back up?
The Buffalo Bills fell thanks to their own home field disadvantage against the New England Patriots two weeks ago. Do you think the Pats can pull it off again? With a rookie QB?
And, finally, the Miami Dolphins have won six straight in every way imaginable and the New Orleans Saints are still starting Taysom Hill.
A $10 parlay bet on these four teams pays $230.
Adam Greene is @TheFirstMan on Twitter.
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